Yesterday I was in a hole. A familiar hole. All relating to my art and my disability to get things done. I don’t intend to use this space to whine about my misery. But since this feeling is all too familiar I want to understand what triggers it and what I can do about it.

Hope and the lack of it seem to be central for my level self-confidence as an artist. I feel hopeful when I’m making progress, when I’m learning new things which allows me to create something that to me is new. Keeping good habits seem to give me hope too. I may be slow but inch by inch I’m getting there.

It also seems that when I lose my structure, it all falls apart. I don’t get anything done. I’m not moving forward, but backwards and suddenly all my sketches and ideas feel dumb, uninspiring – and suddenly music is not a powerful force of joy, but the reason for my misery in life. It’s the hole of hopelessness and self-pity.

On the other hand it’s funny how a little spark of light can bring hope back. At midnight last night I refused to go to bed with the bad feeling so I decided to see which of my Empress Zoia-patches that benefit most from getting Midi-sync. So I jammed a little on a track. And I got the vaccine I needed. I discovered something beautiful that touched me and music was all great again.

It actually sounded great this morning too. Back to habits.